It’s November and the Holiday season is officially upon us. How did that happen? Where did the time go?!
For many, this time of year can bring such joy, excitement, and anticipation. You walk into a store and hear holiday tunes pouring out from the speakers. You’re buying gifts for friends and family or cooking and baking beloved recipes for family gatherings. As the song goes, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!”
All that to say, for those that are grieving a profound loss this year or from years’ past, it may not be “the most wonderful time of the year”… In fact, it may be the most dreaded time of the year. If you find yourself feeling less than “jolly” about the approaching holidays, know that you’re not alone. Because our experience of celebrating the holidays is so communal, based on sharing time, space, love, and food with those we love – the death of someone special to us, and therefore their absence this holiday season, can be heartbreaking. One might feel lost, empty, or confused; maybe even feel some guilt for desiring to engage in holiday festivities but not sure how laughter or joy fits in to the experience of grief. Or maybe the thought of laughter and joy feels like a totally foreign concept right now. The reality is, it’s all welcomed. Grief can be immense sadness and joy all at once. Grief amidst the holidays can look like doing things the way they’ve been done before, because that feels best, or doing things completely differently. Neither are wrong. It may look like baking your mother’s award-winning cookie recipe, because despite her absence, you just can’t imagine not doing that this year... or maybe deciding to have BLT sandwiches for Christmas dinner instead of a large, traditional spread, because you just can’t imagine doing that this year.
No matter what it looks like for you, my hope for you is that you are kind and gentle with yourself as you approach this holiday season. Know that you have the freedom and permission to do what you need to do, with what you have, and with whom you want to share it with. There really aren’t any rules or “should”s – you get to call the shots!
Which leads me to a few final insights of reassurance and validation shared from a beloved resource called, “The Griever’s Holiday Bill of Rights”. May it be a breath of fresh air and a sigh of relief if you find yourself wondering just how to survive the upcoming weeks/months.
- You have the right to some “BAH HUMBUG” days. You don’t have to put on a “happy face” for the benefit of others. You are not a bad person because you don’t feel like smiling and cheering up others all day long. Accept your limitations, don’t be afraid to ask for and accept help.
- You have the right to DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY. There is no law that says you must always celebrate a special day in the same way. You can send fewer cards or no cards at all! You can open gifts at someone else’s house. You can put up special decorations or leave them in the box this year or have pizza instead of that traditional dinner. The list is endless!
- You have the right to SOME FUN! When you have a day that isn’t so bad and you feel like doing something just for fun, then do it! Don’t be afraid of what other people will say if they see you laughing and having a good time. Laughter is every bit as important and healing as tears.
- You have the right to CHANGE DIRECTION IN MIDSTREAM. Grief is unpredictable. You may be all ready to go somewhere or do something and suddenly feel overwhelmed. When that happens, it’s okay to change your mind. There are plenty of times in life to be predictable, so exercise your right to change your mind when you feel the need.
Bruce H. Conley©1992 revised 2005
If you find yourself struggling this Holiday season and would like to talk with someone, please know that we are here. Hospice of Northwest Ohio provides bereavement support services to anyone in the community, including individual grief counseling and support groups, at no cost. Call us at 419-661-4001 and ask to speak with someone in the Bereavement Department.